Veto Power
I am weak.
I swore up and down a mighty oath that when I turned PolyFamilies
over to new management that I would never write another word about
polyamory again.
You may all snicker at my weakness if you want. I'll wait.
Done?
C'mon, guys, stop laughing. Seriously. I have something to say.
I really do.
Vetos.
I wanna talk a bit about vetos.
Now I've been poly for *mumblemurf* years, and I've practiced
it in many configurations. I want it clearly understood beyond a
shadow of a doubt that when I write here, I'm speaking from my personal
experience and the lessons I've drawn from it. If you don't live
in Noël's skull, you don't have Noël's point of view.
And other people do have other points of view, 'kay? I want that
really clear before we start, 'cause we're all locked up in our
own skulls and we're all going to draw our own conclusions from
our own lives.
That being said, let's get back to vetoes in polyamorous relationships.
I don't like 'em -- not one tiny little bit. I don't like the
ramifications of a veto. There is an implication of ownership overlaid
with a serious lack of trust. No, don't whine at me about this.
If you need a veto, there is a lack of trust and a desire to protect
yourself.
This isn't meant to activate some macho thing. You know, "I
don't need to protect myself!" Sometimes you do. Sometimes
a desire for self protection is entirely reasonable. Sometimes,
you don't need it so much. That's not a value judgement on the relationship
so much as a simple understanding of the reality of the situation.
I have had a relationship in which, if the person involved handed
me a hypodermic needle and said, "Go ahead and inject thisÓ,
I would and might neglect to ask what or why. That is not par for
the course in my relationships, however, nor do I really think that
is necessary for a good, intimate relationship. It just happens
to be the case in that one. But trust at some level
is crucial, and your lines cannot be drawn too far outside yourself
in an intimate relationship or it will not work.
My concern with the veto power is that I think it actually promotes
a lack of trust between partners. To me a veto says, øI don't really
trust your judgment, and I feel fairly sure that at some point,
if you meet someone <more attractive><more intelligent><better
in bed><name your insecurity>, and you will <leave me><screw
me over><take your pick of your personal relationship disasterÓ>.Ó
If that's the way you feel, is poly really a good idea for you?
I mean seriously, think about it a minute. If you feel you need
a veto, what is your concern?
Have I ever felt the need for a veto? Yep, sure did. And I took
away from that experience that a desire for a veto is a big ole
waving red flag that the relationship was Not Healthy for Noël.
Now, I know how stuff like this can be twisted, so don't take
this article as an excuse to beat someone over the head, saying,
"If you want a veto you don't trust me. If you really love
and trust me, you won't even ask for such a thing!" If you
get asked for a veto, it's time for some introspection. Remember
when you fell in love with your partner? Your partner probably does.
People do crazy things when they fall in love. Your partner knows
and remembers this. Certainly, he remembers the time you left school
to marry him, dumped an old boyfriend to be with him, switched careers
to be able to be close to him, or even ignored some of your own
goals to support him while he tried to get a writing career started?
She remembers you going into debt to buy her jewelry that you really
couldn't afford and neglecting to pay the rent. She remembers you
blowing off your friends to be with her.
Now look me in the eye and say, "But he should just trust
me!" I'll laugh my ass off, I will!
I suppose what it really boils down to is the emotional bank account.
The emotional bank account is the amount of trust that has been
built up in the relationship. Is it high? If it's not, I am strongly
of the opinion that polyamory with veto conditions is not the way
to make those deposits. The very need for vetos means that the emotional
bank account with your partner is not very high. You need to work
on other things before you even consider polyamory. The very veto
agreement will prey on your mind -- a constant reminder that the
trust is not absolute.
© 2006 Noël Lynne Figart