Garb Commandments for the Renfaire
-
Thou shalt always measure twice and cut once.
-
Thou shalt, when measuring for a bodice, remember that while the
bodicegasm
is a great Pleasure, thou art vulnerable to Rogues if thou faintest at
Faire.
-
Thou shalt wear thy home-made garb with Great Pride, for thou art learning
a
new skill
-
Thou shalt not, if thou be a skilled tailor, call out the pattern names
and
numbers of costumes thou recognizest in Faire from the Big Three of
Pattern
Companies. Though shalt, instead, remember humbly the countless hours
THOU
spent using language Naughty in My Sight whilst trying to adapt or draft
patterns when thou hadst but the skill of a small rodent on acid.
-
Thou shalt not sneer at materialism when thou wearest Boots that cost thee
more than thou wouldst spend on thy sofa or bed. (If thou sleepest on the
sofa
because thou cannot buy a bed, thou hadst even less room to talk).
- Thou shalt not refer to visible tights on a woman as "period"
for late Tudor or Elizabethan garb. Thou shalt merely enjoy
the scandalous sight. (We know thou art contemplating invisible
tights and We are ashamed of thy lechery).
-
Thou shalt always buy more thread than thou thinkest thou needs. Fabric
stores will ignore thy pleas to open at two in the morning so that thou
may
complete garb thou shouldst have completed three weeks ago whilst thou
wast
wasting time in a flame war on the Internet.
-
Thou shalt always use a new Needle appropriate to the weight of the fabric
n
for needles cost thee little and when thou hast used a needle for canvas
on thy
chemise, thou shalt feel a draft.
- Thou shalt not make garb carelessly when thou intendest to
wear it "only one season". It shall fall apart
thy third wearing, causing thee to use language that thy four
year old shall repeat from the top of the diving board at thy
family reunion picnic, causing thy Aunt Reetzie to have a Stroke.
When thy Aunt Reetzie recovers, she shall Strike thee from
her will, thus leaving her worldly goods to thine older brother
who shall Waste his inheritance by investing in the Stock Market
rather than spending it sensibly on a new pair of custom boots.
-
Thou shalt not covet thy sister wench's rose. Thou shalt, too, receive one
in time.
© Noël Lynne Figart, 1999
|